How to Speak Condescending Hipster Douchebag Circa 2019

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It is a truth universally acknowledged, that the Condescending Hipster Douchebag in possession of serviceable education, must be in want of showcasing his moral and intellectual superiority…

With all due respect to Jane Austin and the beginning of PRIDE & PREJUDICE, you can’t open your car door in a parking lot these days without hitting another pompous ass.  Turn on the TV or hit up social media–it’s a festival of insufferable, young bougies.

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The Condescending Hipster Douche Spotted Outside the Natural Habitat of His Parents’ Basement Lair

But in case you’re not attune to spotting them outside the natural habitat of their parents’ basements and the like, here are ten tell-tale 2019 phrases to trip your Hipster-Douchebag detector:

This just isn’t my aesthetic… (This phrase frequently drips off the lips of 20 to 30-something house hunters on HGTV. Like a five-bedroom home on four acres of beachfront property is just so objectionable.) 

 

…toxic masculinity… (Give me any group of boys to men and I’ll show you dudes having fun being gross–they eat, fart, make armpit noises, fart some more, push,images (8) talk-trash and laugh with their mouths full of masticated hamburger. It’s what they do.)

 

Is this free-range? Grass fed? (No, it’s dead. Eat it. You don’t need to read its resume.)

 

 

…this product is 100% cruelty-free… (except, of course, for the price tag. Eeeek!)

 

 

…she paints people with a broad brush… (Well, as long as she doesn’t use the white one–that one is far too privileged–just saying.)

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…he’s so woke… (He arrives to Starbucks an hour before they open? He makes a rooster look like a narcoleptic? He sleeps standing up?)

 

…compulsory heteronormativity… (Become a PhD and you too can make up polysyllabic terms for everyone’s favorite show, As the Hormones Yearn.”)

 

…the god of my understanding… (Sorry–my bad. I guess Moses and the prophets and the apostles and all the scholars over the centuries should have waited to get your take on the whole God-thing before presuming to understand a damn thing.)

 

…we must liberate ourselves from social constructs… (That’s what they said in the 1960’s too, and then fifteen years later, bras and deodorant made a comeback–we can thank Madonna for the former–not sure if she had anything to do with the latter but she sure stinks now.)

 

And for those who find my last statement offensive:

…I find this offensive… (Tell that to the generations who preceded us and for whom the struggle to stay vertical and breathing was real.)

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Keep smiling, friends! Maybe someday man-buns will become so passé.

foxyxoxo,

Susan J. Anderson

Foxy Writer Chick

 

 

 

 

 

 


4 thoughts on “How to Speak Condescending Hipster Douchebag Circa 2019

  1. Although it is funny I think that most of these phrases (with the exception of #1) are what the sjw (social justice warriors) would say – not the hipsters.The hipsters just don’t care about much except the band you’ve never heard of. The sjw are hyper concerned about political correctness taking it to new heights of absurdity….

    Like

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