My sixteen year-old son came home from a high school drama festival and talked about how many kids there were unidentifiable by gender. Apparently, it’s hip to be gender-fluid.
Anyway, I got to thinking about an old Saturday Night Live skit about “gender-fluidity” that spawned a feature film, and I shared the trailer with my son via YouTube.
“That would never be okay today,” he said, mildly shocked. And he’s right. We may think we’re in a permissive day and age, but make no mistake–the P.C. Police are watching. Waiting to shame anyone or anything that could be given the suffix “ist.”
So here’s a rundown of ten movies that the P.C. Police would ban today, beginning with the trailer I shared with my son:
1. SNL’s IT’S PAT: It’s Pat Movie Trailer on YouTube Frankly, I never thought “It’s Pat” was funny when SNL featured it on their Saturday night shows, but now I’m kind of laughing. Nervously.
The P.C. Police say, “NO on the grounds that humor should never be at the expense of stereotyping–and this trailer and movie stereotypes just about everybody which is never okay. Unless it’s about the police. The real police. Then stereotype those blue-line S.O.B.’s for the drunk, racist bullies (Irish or otherwise) that they are. Oh, and the Russians. Those commie-bastards are one of the few remaining groups on the P.C. Police’s Approved Target List.”
2. MYSTIC PIZZA (1988) Three teenage girls spend the summer before college working. Kat babysits the children of an older married man whose wife is out of the picture. He seduces Kat. The wife returns. Kat cries over spilled virginity. Kat’s sister dates a rich guy whose parents remind her she’s the daughter of their Portugese maid. And that leaves Jojo who wants to boink her boyfriend, but moral Bill wants to wait for marriage.
The P.C. Police say, “NO on the grounds of pedophilia (close enough), racism (close enough) and religious fever–er, fervor (close enough).”
3. PRETTY WOMAN (1990) I watch enough television to know that a woman out hooking is more likely to end up in a burlap sack on a beach in Long Island, New York (compliments of a serial killer who is still at large) than riding off into the sunset with a gorgeous tycoon and the horsey-set from Beverly Hills.
The P.C. Police say, “NO on the grounds of sexism. Now if a woman played the tycoon and a man played the hooker–well, maybe. But only if the man is an anti-Trump, pro-Syrian refugee spokesmodel just hooking to earn enough money to keep his Starbucks addiction afloat, then by all means. Have at it. Hollywood is waiting.”
4. HOME ALONE (1990) White-bread parents leave their young son home alone and go on Christmas vacation. Three words: Child. Protective. Services.
The P.C. Police say, “NO on the grounds the movie is too white. Even for Christmas.”
5.FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH (1982) Could one movie pack any more corruption of the morals of young people into ninety-two minutes?
Quaaludes. Sex. Abortion. Maturbation. Porn. Bullying. Insubordination. And smoking all various and sundry smokeables.
Plus. Sean Penn–which is like all of the aforementioned in one package.
The P.C. Police say, “NO and we are taking the Fifth Ammendment because we are having flashbacks to our own days in high school. Plus, we object to teacher, Mr. Hand, showing up in student, Jeff Spicoli’s bedroom one night to test him. Creepy! And could the name Mr. Hand be any more pervy?”
6. REVENGE OF THE NERDS (1984) Computer science majors are bullied by a jock-frat. The nerds appeal to a traditionally African-American frat for a charter of their own. Lambda Lambda Lambda leader, U.N. Jefferson agrees to attend a party given by the nerds to determine their worthiness. The party is a drag until nerd, Boogar, provides high quality marijuana to U.N. Jefferson. The joint had Jefferson at Hello. Hilarity ensues in this self-described sex-comedy.
The P.C. Police say, “NO. Could they give the black character a more racist name? And to bribe U.N. Jefferson with marijuana? Always keeping the black man down. And what about naming a kid Boogar just because he has sinus problems? But the greatest abomination in this film is the oppression of jocks by their intellectual superiors. Racist. Sexist. Nasalist. Jock-Strapist.”
7. PORKY’S (1981) Set in the fifties, a group of boys want to lose their virginity, so they go to a local bar hoping to hire a prostitute. They are taken advantage of–but not in the way they had hoped… Back at school, they peep on the girls in the locker room showers. When they are discovered, one boy sticks his penis through the hole in the shower wall which incites gym teacher Ms. Balbricker like a red cape in front of a bull.
The P.C. Police say, “NO. This sexual degenerate-gym teacher is preying upon the innocent young men in her charge.”
8. SIXTEEN CANDLES (1984) A teen becomes depressed when everyone forgets her sixteenth birthday. Over the course of the week, hilarious escapades ensue:
Kids drink alcoholic beverages. An out-of-control party has no parental supervision. A nerd does show-and-tell with a girl’s panties. A grandmother grabs her granddaughter’s breasts. A bride is too stoned to stand at the altar. An Asian exchange student gets so hammered he winds up passed out in the front yard. A nerd drives without a license.
The P.C. Police says, “If John Hughes wasn’t dead, we’d put a hit out on him. Italian-Americans are negatively portrayed in this film, as are Asians. And why is there only one African-American in this film? And why is he wearing a towel in this clip?”
9. FERRIS BUEHLER’S DAY OFF (1986) Popular kid wants to take a senior hook-day, so he fools his parents into believing he’s sick. He drags his girlfriend and best friend into his plan, and the three have the kind of day they will remember forever.
The P.C. Police say, “NO. A film featuring a stalking maniac of an assistant principal, Ed Rooney, is just asking for trouble. Ferris, Sloane and Cameron are harmless students just looking for a little fun. The fact there are people like Ed Rooney out there preying upon them is troublesome. And that monotone teacher calling, “Buehler…Buehler… Buehler” is a known Republican and, therefore, of questionable moral character.”
10.. THE BAD NEWS BEARS (1976) This is a movie about kids playing baseball. Made for kids. That’s why they are all drinking beer (below)
The P.C. Police say, “NO. Who in the hell gave this film a PG Rating? We strongly object due to the following:
- Role model and coach, dirty old Morris Buttermaker (Walter Matthau) drinks while coaching…and drinks while driving…and drinks all the time…except when he’s passed out drunk while coaching.
- The little kids who play for the Bears have mouths full of racial slurs and sexually provacative comments. That’s when they’re not swearing for the hell of it, or cussing other people out.
- Amanda, the eleven year-old daughter of one of coach’s ex-girlfriends (Tatum O’Neill) rides around with the drunk coach after dark and nobody’s worried about molestation?
- Oh, and when the team wins, the kids guzzle beer. This is child abuse at its basest level. No pun intended. Because we have no sense of humor whatsoever.”
So that’s the roundup of ten films of yesteryear that the P.C. Police would ban today.
But to my way of thinking, the P.C. Police have way too much control of late. Maybe that’s why our teens and young adults are so easily offended–why universities now have Safe Zones where students are free from controversial material like classic literature or other pesky things like, um, the First Ammendment.
On the other hand, maybe that’s why some millenials feel the need to go public with things heretofor unheard of–even by their Gen X predecessors (gender-fluidity and pansexuality for example.)
Of course, with the P.C. Police present throughout the lifetime of the millenials, there has to be some form of rebellion.
Rebellion, say, like the man-bun. Which can be worn within the confines of Safe Zones, but probably not under the Army-issue combat helmet–but since the military is usually a stepping stone from high school to life reserved for the middle and lower-middle class, WTH.
Just a thought. This is a No Judgment Safe Zone. And yes, we do shower, but with our clothes on. (Hey, we learned something from watching IT’S PAT: THE MOVIE.)
Keep smiling–my tongue is firmly placed in my cheek.
S.J. Anderson, Foxy Writer Chick