NOTE: OPI is a prestigious brand of nail polish featured in many salons worldwide.
The OPI Nail Polish mystique has been built on naming their seasonal lines (spring, summer, fall, holiday) with quirky, fantastical puns based on whatever their theme happens to be, geographical or other.
Here’s a few examples from their discontinued colors: Viking in a Vinter Vonderland; Don’t Bossa Nova Around Me; Desperately Seeking Sequins; Kinky in Helsinki.
A few standouts remain in perpetual stock because of enduring popularity. For example, “I’m Not Really A Waitress” is a gorgeous red polish that women have made OPI’s #1 seller since its 1999 premiere.
But denial isn’t just a river in Egypt, OPI. (Although that may have been one of your pun-tastic shades already.)
Most of your customers don’t have crowns, we don’t travel the world, and the only Bossa Nova we’re seeing is on Dancing with the Stars.
Oh, and we might actually be waitresses, past or present.
That being said, I think it’s time for OPI to release some quirky polish lines named for aspects of real women’s lives–careers and otherwise.
For example, when I saw this OPI shade Eurso Euro, I knew I wanted to try it. But now that it’s on my hands, I realize it’s not the whole European glamour that attracted me, but rather because the shade takes me back to the beginning of my teaching career.
“How Come I Always Have to Change the Ditto Machine Ink?”
And then there’s this gem that could apply to so many women’s professions and home lives:
“Clean Up of Bodily Fluid Needed, Stat”
Here’s a shade for the moms who have had it up to here:
“Don’t Make Me Open a Can of Whoop Ass”
And for those of us having trouble making our bills:
“Can’t Get Blood From a Turnip”
Back to teachers, nurses, stewardesses, custodians, and moms everywhere:
“What Kind of Sick Bastard Smeared Boogers Here?”
For the mom who actually uses her nails as tools:
“If You Taste Something Crunchy in the Casserole, Spit It Out”
And from the timely #metoo collection:
“Don’t Make Me Amputate Your Balls, Bucko”
For those of us who hate when the bag has a hole in it:
“I Put In My Thumb and Pulled Out a Plum”
And one for the avid gardener or cheese maker:
“Guess What I’m Growing Under These Earthy Beauties?”
For the mom stuck in the laundry room, yelling, “Out damn spot!”
“Who Would Have Thought He Had So Much Blood In Him? Shit…My Nails.”
And for the readers of FIFTY SHADES who want to spice things up in the bedroom…
“It’s Not Really Chlamydia, Black”
“I Really AM a Waitress, a Gourmet Meets Short-Order Cook, a Laundress, a Taxi Driver, a Cheerleader, a Nurse, a Teacher, a Politician, a Personal Shopper, a Custodian, a Church Leader, a Babysitter, an Employee; a Champion of Lost Causes, a Lawyer, a Banker, a Photographer, a Security Analyst, a Trusted Adviser, a Tour Guide, a Lover, etc., etc., and Yes, I Bring Home the Bacon and Fry It Up in Pan, Too.”
If only they could fit our full job description on the bottom of one of those little bottles, eh? How about this one instead? “I Am Damn Tired.”
Take care of yourselves, ladies! And keep it real!
(Shout out to Kelly for doing wonders with my craptacular nails, none of which are pictured except the first–Ditto Ink Blue. You rock, Girlfriend!)